I May Yet Become Afflicted With Triskaidekaphobia

This is too weird. After looking at today's date for my Conrad Black sentencing spoof, I checked my first blog in this series. All those references to the number 13. And today is the 13th. A coincidence, or stranger than fiction?

Where's a sound clip from the Twilight Zone theme when you need one?

It's just this spooky.

Less Than a Sentence But More Than a Word

Well, I won the Conrad Black sentencing bet with my ultra-conservative friend but I doubt I will ever collect my fifty bucks seeing as how the guy can't even pay his rent. Black was given 6 1/2 years jail time and if he's not successful at appeal, he'll have to serve at least 5 years and six months of that. His judge ordered him to report to jail next March 3rd and many experts think that he'll be incarcerated at that time regardless of his appeal status.

In all likelihood, it will be easy time for the British noble, but it will no doubt be starkly different from the lifestyle he's accustomed to. Now, I've been wondering if Conrad will agonize over what his final dinner before jail should consist of given that he won't be sampling haute cuisine for quite some time.

Never fear, Your Lordship, I've put it all together for you. All you have to do is place your order (I'd do it soon) and have your personal chef assemble it at your Palm Beach mansion. And, since your daughter Alana has been by your side throughout your ordeal, you should invite her to partake along with your wife.

Conrad's Before-Jail Dinner

We start off with a fine champagne. But not the pedestrian ones. Dom Perignon is such a cliche and Cristal is so Red Lobster. Only James Bond drinks Bollinger. I suggest Perrier-Jouêt at $1800 a bottle (all prices in US$).

This is accompanied by Iranian Beluga caviar, which is $45,000 a kilogram but that's a lots of fish eggs for a single sitting. A 250 gram tin ought to suffice.

My favourite appetizer has always been escargots, but I no longer fancy them in the shells. Try to get them served in timbales with puff pastry, truffles and a splash of Pernod.

I selected a Poully-Fuissé for the snails but don't be put off by the cheap-sounding price of $200 a bottle. It's a really nice white wine.

For the main course, what could be more memorable than Canard à la Presse (pressed duck) from the celebrated Tour d'Argent in Paris. When the dish was invented, the maitre d'hotel started a tradition. Each duck has been assigned a number and a certificate presented to the diner. In the visitors' book of famous ducks, number 328 was served to King Edward VII in 1890, number 40,312 to King Alfonso XIII in 1914, number 53,211 to the Emperor Hiro Hito in 1921 and number 938,451 to President Mikhail Gorbachev. What will be yours I wonder?

I chose a full-bodied red wine for this course, a 1987 Romanée-Conti. Here is its description:

This French red Burgundy smells of berries, spices and leather. Dark in color, it hints at flavors of soy sauce, flowers and licorice. The aroma is rich and penetrating without being too profound. The Romanée-Conti is a rare wine that has carved a niche for itself along the years. At $1750 a bottle, it no longer has anything to prove.

For dessert let's go with a chocolate mousse by the Knipschildt Chocolatier of Connecticut. Their chocolate is $2600 a pound and you have to order in advance.

To cap everything off, how about a snifter of Hennessey Timeless cognac which wine connaiseur Tony Aspler describes as "wonderful." A 750 ml bottle is $5000.

Sure hope you enjoy this meal, Your Lordship. I look forward to seeing your comments posted here next March. But do it before you surrender - I don't think they'll let you take your computer.

Banter With the Right and the Conrad Black Sentencing Pool

I enjoy engaging right-wingers every now and then. I find their "me-first" attitude unfortunate and their sense of moral superiority amusing. But I try to refrain from the name-calling and insults that seem to characterize right-wing discourse. During the 2003 Ontario Provincial election, Liberal leader (and now Premier) Dalton McGuinty was called "Dalton McSquinty" and "Dalton McGimpy" by supporters of then-Conservative leader and Premier Ernie Eves (who, despite initially passing himself off as a moderate, saw the light just before the campaign and embraced a far-right platform).

I sign my name "Denny" in most on-line discussion groups and when I weighed in on the reaction to Conrad Black's convictions, one of Black's hard-line backers called me "Denny Lane." If the poster was referring to lead singer Denny Laine of the Moody Blues, then the attempt at an insult probably backfired. Anyway, that person's bluster was so devoid of logic that I felt quite confident this time leaving a right-winger with the last word.

Last night I was talking to an old friend who is also an avid right-winger, and like most of his ilk, said that Black was "railroaded" and didn't do anything wrong. Where we got into it was the sentence that Black will be handed down on November 30th. He said it will be 2 years or less, which had me gasping with disbelief. The obstruction charge alone carries a maximum 20 year penalty, then there are 3 fraud charges, each with a 5-year maximum. While I certainly don't think Black will get the maximum on each and receive consecutive terms, I believe it will be more than 10 years and most likely 12. Anyway, we placed a bet for 50 bucks - he says 2 years or less and I say 5 years or more. I guess if it's anywhere greater that 2 and less than 5, nobody wins.

Enough, already. I'm not going to write a single thing more about Conrad Black until sentencing day, and maybe not even then (especially if I lose the bet). I've got more pressing things to concern myself with.

First, trying to get my cat to behave.

Second, trying to get my impatiens to grow.

Is the Green-Eyed Monster Responsible for Conrad Black's Demise?

The conviction of Conrad Black on charges of fraud and obstruction of justice is the biggest news to hit Canada in quite some time. Black has been both a Canadian icon and pariah, both revered and loathed. Still, I believe that even his greatest detractors cannot help but be fascinated by him. I have always dismissed the man as a pompous blowhard. When he renounced his Canadian citizenship to become a British Lord, I just shook my head and considered him one of the most eccentric oddballs around. But then, as Kramer observed of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld, "most geniuses are."

There have been myriad reactions to Black's convictions and most opine that the jury was conscientious and methodical and their verdicts fair. Some responses have been vigorous in defending Black, saying that he was railroaded, the prosecution was like a hunting safari obsessed with bagging a Lord, and that Black was "wrongfully convicted." The commonality in just about every one of these posters is that they share Black's ultra-right wing political ideology.

But by far the most over the top remark was this one: "It's human nature to want what other people have, and if you can't get it, then you destroy what that other person has. This is called JEALOUSY with a huge dose of ENVY."

I've never read such hogwash. Black is not the wealthiest man on the planet; there are people with far more riches to induce even more jealousy. To follow this logic, they'd all be dogged by prosecutors - Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Ted Turner. No. Black's trial followed lengthy investigations by the US Justice Department and the SEC. And just how does a person get investigated in the first place? Let's see - there are suspicions that said person did something untoward? There we go; no suspicions, no investigation. It's as simple as that.

The government produced evidence of wrongdoing, and a jury with no preconceived notions of guilt or innocence concurred with some if not all of the accusations.

With his attitude, Black literally triple-dog-dared the authorities to come after him. He's had his day in court and now Black is headed off - not to the British House of Lords - but to the Big House.

The Eerie Nature of Number 13

I never considered myself to be afflicted with triskaidekaphobia. I've stayed on the 13th floor of hotels (whenever they've had one) and I've flown in planes on Friday the 13th. I've never hesitated to buy a baker's dozen of bagels. But I'll just bet there's at least one person who may come down with the disorder - Conrad Black. The controversial Canadian business tycoon was found guilty of obstruction of justice and 3 counts of mail fraud following a four-month trial in a Chicago court.

When you look at the numbers involved in the proceedings, there's a spooky common factor. Black was charged with a total of 13 felony counts. The most serious conviction for obstruction relates to Black removing 13 boxes of documents from his Toronto office, contrary to a court order. Of 42 counts against Black and his 3 co-defendants there were 13 guilty verdicts returned. The jury's decision was returned on Friday the 13th.

The prosecution says it will ask for Black to serve between 15 and 20 years in prison. I will become a complete believer in the power of this mystical number should Black be sentenced to 13 years. Sentencing is set for November the 13th - I'm kidding - November 30, 2007.