I May Yet Become Afflicted With Triskaidekaphobia

This is too weird. After looking at today's date for my Conrad Black sentencing spoof, I checked my first blog in this series. All those references to the number 13. And today is the 13th. A coincidence, or stranger than fiction?

Where's a sound clip from the Twilight Zone theme when you need one?

It's just this spooky.

Less Than a Sentence But More Than a Word

Well, I won the Conrad Black sentencing bet with my ultra-conservative friend but I doubt I will ever collect my fifty bucks seeing as how the guy can't even pay his rent. Black was given 6 1/2 years jail time and if he's not successful at appeal, he'll have to serve at least 5 years and six months of that. His judge ordered him to report to jail next March 3rd and many experts think that he'll be incarcerated at that time regardless of his appeal status.

In all likelihood, it will be easy time for the British noble, but it will no doubt be starkly different from the lifestyle he's accustomed to. Now, I've been wondering if Conrad will agonize over what his final dinner before jail should consist of given that he won't be sampling haute cuisine for quite some time.

Never fear, Your Lordship, I've put it all together for you. All you have to do is place your order (I'd do it soon) and have your personal chef assemble it at your Palm Beach mansion. And, since your daughter Alana has been by your side throughout your ordeal, you should invite her to partake along with your wife.

Conrad's Before-Jail Dinner

We start off with a fine champagne. But not the pedestrian ones. Dom Perignon is such a cliche and Cristal is so Red Lobster. Only James Bond drinks Bollinger. I suggest Perrier-Jouêt at $1800 a bottle (all prices in US$).

This is accompanied by Iranian Beluga caviar, which is $45,000 a kilogram but that's a lots of fish eggs for a single sitting. A 250 gram tin ought to suffice.

My favourite appetizer has always been escargots, but I no longer fancy them in the shells. Try to get them served in timbales with puff pastry, truffles and a splash of Pernod.

I selected a Poully-Fuissé for the snails but don't be put off by the cheap-sounding price of $200 a bottle. It's a really nice white wine.

For the main course, what could be more memorable than Canard à la Presse (pressed duck) from the celebrated Tour d'Argent in Paris. When the dish was invented, the maitre d'hotel started a tradition. Each duck has been assigned a number and a certificate presented to the diner. In the visitors' book of famous ducks, number 328 was served to King Edward VII in 1890, number 40,312 to King Alfonso XIII in 1914, number 53,211 to the Emperor Hiro Hito in 1921 and number 938,451 to President Mikhail Gorbachev. What will be yours I wonder?

I chose a full-bodied red wine for this course, a 1987 Romanée-Conti. Here is its description:

This French red Burgundy smells of berries, spices and leather. Dark in color, it hints at flavors of soy sauce, flowers and licorice. The aroma is rich and penetrating without being too profound. The Romanée-Conti is a rare wine that has carved a niche for itself along the years. At $1750 a bottle, it no longer has anything to prove.

For dessert let's go with a chocolate mousse by the Knipschildt Chocolatier of Connecticut. Their chocolate is $2600 a pound and you have to order in advance.

To cap everything off, how about a snifter of Hennessey Timeless cognac which wine connaiseur Tony Aspler describes as "wonderful." A 750 ml bottle is $5000.

Sure hope you enjoy this meal, Your Lordship. I look forward to seeing your comments posted here next March. But do it before you surrender - I don't think they'll let you take your computer.

Birthdays and Memories

Today I observe another birthday but it's not one marked by the usual frivolity and light-hearted merriment. Instead, my thoughts are filled with the memory of someone who will never celebrate another birthday.

A week ago today, the wife of a good friend and fraternity brother was killed in a car accident during a winter storm. I waited a couple of days to phone my friend and I couldn't come up with any words that seemed appropriate. So we both cried. And this was difficult because my friend has always been one to crack unending jokes, heavy on the sarcasm and loath to take anything seriously.

The funeral was yesterday, and I fully intended to make the 1 1/2 hour drive but the weather reports of snow squalls and whiteouts gave me pause and in the end I decided not to venture out. It was an agonizing decision, and I hope my friend understands.

I can only hope that time is the great healer it is touted to be.

Wanted: Another Mike Harris (Or Maybe a Real One)

Fresh from a stinging rebuke at the polls, Ontario Conservative leader John Tory insists he will stay on, even though he himself failed to win a seat in the provincial parliament. This is much easier said than done. It's awkward to lead a party without a seat in the legislature, and Conservative stalwarts are laying the blame for their rout squarely on Tory. Knife sharpeners have seen a marked increase in business since last Wednesday night.

Hard-liners are probably thinking that it's time to steer the party sharply back to the right after two leaders who are perceived as social moderates have failed miserably to improve their fortunes. Pining for the days of Mike Harris, they may well opt to choose a leader with similar ideals or even mount a campaign to draft back Harris himself.

So over the next four years look for extreme right-wing policies to be championed by the Conservative party and its new right-wing leader such as:

1. Eliminating government-sponsored universal health care completely.
   
2. Eliminating the public school system and replacing it with a system of charter schools and vouchers.

I predict that it won't resonate with the public. The Harris years were an aberration. Ontarians are just not a bunch of rabid right-wingers. In the final years of the NDP government led by Bob Rae, the public was angry and mean. The economy was in a huge slump. People were paying high taxes and not seeing any improvement in their living standard. They were looking for someone to blame and take it out on. Harris gave them just that: poor people collecting welfare, labour unions and teachers. Add the carrot stick of lowering taxes and presto - you're the Premier.

However, as I expressed in a satirical piece posted on Usenet, Harris eventually lost favour with the public. By the time he jumped ship in 2002 Ontarians had come to realize what a malicious, spiteful and mean-spirited individual he is. I don't think Mike Harris will ever darken our doors again as a public official.

It will also be a long, long time before the Ontario Conservative party again swaggers through the halls of power.

John Tory - The Biggest Political Stumbler and Bumbler of All Time?

If the pollsters and pundits are to be believed - and they almost always are - one of the most inept political campaigns ever mounted will come to a humiliating end tomorrow evening. John Tory - the much-touted saviour, the deliverer of the Ontario Conservatives will not only lose the provincial election for his party, but will himself fail to win a seat in the legislature.

The blame for this unprecedented implosion falls squarely at Tory's feet. There are no advisors or bag men to use as scapegoats. All on his own he chose an issue based on principle (so he says - I think it was a blatant attempt at vote-grabbing) that blew up in his face. He proposed to extend public funding to private religious schools.

That sole plank in the Conservative platform became the defining issue of the entire election campaign, overshadowing all others including really important ones. John Tory found himself constantly defending his position against a mounting swell of irate voters. All the Liberals had to do was pull up some ringside seats and watch the pounding.

With 9 days to go before the election, Tory backed away from his proposal, saying it would be put to a "free vote," essentially guaranteeing that the measure would never pass. It was too little, too late. The subsequent polls showed that not only did Tory fail to make up any lost ground, the gap between his party and the Liberals either stayed the same or widened.

Tory's motto, repeated over and over again, was "leadership matters." I guess it does, but Tory has shown himself to be anything but an effective leader. Premier Dalton McGuinty has been assailed for breaking a key promise not to raise taxes, however he admitted he did it, knew it would be unpopular, explained his position, took a stand and did not back away. Sounds more like leadership to me. Tory, after realizing that his key promise was wildly unpopular, dropped it like a hot potato. Leadership? I think not.

Another point that can be argued is that a party leader has a duty and an obligation to get elected and represent the party's principles in the legislative assembly. Tory could have stayed in his former riding and been guaranteed a chance to return to Queen's Park. Instead, he chose a riding where he would be up against a popular opponent, Liberal Kathleen Wynne. He clearly underestimated how tough the fight would be. Once again, he failed to protect his party's interests.

There have been all sorts of other gaffes in Tory's joke of a campaign. He referred to the University of Ottawa as "U of Zero" and the comment was caught on YouTube. Yikes! In a televised ad, there is a graph behind him showing Conservative support faltering. Uh oh! When canvassing in his riding he couldn't wait to show reporters the house where he grew up. There was a Liberal sign on the front lawn. Yeesh!

If Tory does fail to win a seat, he would have to lead from the visitors' gallery in the house. His only hope to stay on as leader would be for an obedient party member from a safe riding to resign his/her seat and for Tory to run in a by-election. It's been done before, but usually only when a new leader without a seat is chosen. Not for one who was expected to deliver his party out of the political wilderness.

Election Fever (or John Tory's Theme Song "Flip, Flop, Fly")

Nine days to go before an Ontario provincial election. The two main parties duking it out for power are the Liberals and the Conservatives. (Although the word is included in the full party name, there is nothing "progressive" about the Ontario Conservative party. Ever since it was shanghaied by Mike Harris in 1990 it has been a far-right mob akin to the former federal Reform Party. The current leader of the Conservatives, John Tory, passes himself off as a moderate, but I'm skeptical. I never heard him denouncing the divisive policies Harris implemenmted during the 1990s. If fact, I'd never heard of him, period.)

With a last name like Tory, you can bet that John is a dyed-in-the-wool conservative. Many of his political ilk have seen him as a saviour who would lead the Conservative party to certain victory in the upcoming election. But even his most ardent supporters must now be questioning his political judgement. Before the election call Tory had a decided advantage over Liberal leader and Premier Dalton McGuinty. During the 2003 campaign McGuinty promised not to raise taxes. (Taxes are a touchy point with Ontario voters. They once bought into the Mike Harris con job that they can have low taxes, but still enjoy top-level universal health care and a quality educational system. Harrris lowered taxes all right, but left health care and education in a shambles.)

But soon after being voted into power, McGuinty levied a health care premium, claiming that the previous Conservative government left a huge deficit, and the money was needed to fix the health system. This became the most visible of what McGuinty's opponents would call an endless string of "broken promises." It resonated with the voters, and all John Tory had to do was repeat it over and over like a broken record.

But what does Tory do? Unveils an election pledge to extend public funding to all private religious schools. It's only fair, he said, because Catholic schools get government funding (according to a provision in the 1867 Canadian constitution). How Tory failed to see that this would overshadow all other issues in the campaign is hard to comprehend. It turned into a very controversial proposal, with some two-thirds of the electorate against it. You can say what you like about the Liberal party, but they're not ones to look a gift horse in the mouth. By vocally defending the status quo of public schools, and they were off the hook for broken promises.

Tory's scheme blew up in his face. Voter opposition swelled, and even his own party members started to abandon him, vowing to vote against the measure. To make matters worse, polls suggest Tory might lose in his own riding where he is running against the current education minister Kathleen Wynne. (Another bad judgment call on Tory's part. Why didn't he stay in his former riding which is the safest Conservative seat in the entire province? The people there will always vote Conservative even if the candiadate is the embodiment of the Frankenstein monster.)

Yesterday, in a policy speech, Tory reversed himself on the religious school issue, hoping to turn the campaign around. In doing so, Tory has handed the election to the Liberals on a silver platter. The advantage over broken promises has been wasted, and his mantra "leadership matters" now has a hollow ring. The Conservatives had better stop using spin doctors from the private clinics Tory proposes to implement into the health care system.

Car Scratch Fever

Things were starting to look up. After just one day of banishment to the "bad cat box" my cat started to behave himself. Before that, he was prancing around, meowing and waking up the entire household at 3:00 am. He'd jump up on any surface available and knock stuff on the floor. He seemed to react to the gentle chastisement. Ever since, he's been a perfect angel (perhaps not surprising since his name is Angel). And my impatiens finally seem to have spurts of life in them.

Elated, I drove to the local drug mart to take advantage of bargains in mundane household items like paper towels, toilet tissue and soap. It's a small parking lot and usually quite busy, but on this Friday afternoon I found a spot with empty places on both sides. Perfectly safe, or so I thought.




When I came back to the car a lady approached me and said that the driver on my left had scratched my car upon parking. Sure enough; not a huge mark but very visible and flecked with blue paint. The car beside me was a blue Toyota. I thanked the lady and she provided her name and number and offered to be a witness. She described the driver as an "old lady." I was half expecting the poor woman to be in her 80s with an accent like Mrs Doubtfire and I would be heartbroken to approach her about the incident.

I wrote down the licence number of the offending car and waited for the driver. When she appeared, she wasn't that old - around 60 - but she turned out to be most vile, rude and obnoxious person I've had the misfortune to deal with. She denied up and down that she ever hit may car. When I showed her the blue paint scuffs on my side panel and the scratch on her car, she shouted "I've had that mark for 5 years! You're scamming me! You weren't even here when I parked! There was nobody!"

There was yet more ranting when I mentioned my witness. "She didn't see anything! It's a frame up! She's a friend of yours!" Then the car to her right changed from being non-existent to a black sedan to a Jeep. " Some other blue car hit you! It wasn't me!"

I requested her information as required by the Highway Traffic Act. She repeatedly and obstinately refused. This is an infraction that calls for quite severe penalties:

The penalty for failing to report a collision and/or failing to provide the necessary information is a fine of $200 to $1,000, three demerit points, a possible jail term and driver's licence suspension.The penalty for leaving the scene of a collision includes seven demerit points.

Normally the police don't come to an accident scene but when I called and described the situation they did send an officer. He demanded that she give me her information, and when he viewed both cars, he told the woman that it didn't look good for her. He ordered her to report to a Collision Reporting Centre within 24 hours. I needed to go as well, something I needed like a hole in the head.

Still, the damage was easily worth $1000 and I was determined that the guilty party pay. It's a pretty slick operation at the CRC. They take down the information, look at the vehicles and make a determination of fault.

This is how I expect it to play out: I will have my car fixed at the place of my choosing. I will be able to rent another car during the repair period. My insurance company will handle the claim and pay the whole shot under Direct Compensation with zero deductible. The other driver's insurance company will accept 100 per cent responsibility, and her rates will go up.

As well they should. The innocent motoring public needs to be protected from unconscionable drivers like this who think nothing of trying to pull off a hit-and-run.

Banter With the Right and the Conrad Black Sentencing Pool

I enjoy engaging right-wingers every now and then. I find their "me-first" attitude unfortunate and their sense of moral superiority amusing. But I try to refrain from the name-calling and insults that seem to characterize right-wing discourse. During the 2003 Ontario Provincial election, Liberal leader (and now Premier) Dalton McGuinty was called "Dalton McSquinty" and "Dalton McGimpy" by supporters of then-Conservative leader and Premier Ernie Eves (who, despite initially passing himself off as a moderate, saw the light just before the campaign and embraced a far-right platform).

I sign my name "Denny" in most on-line discussion groups and when I weighed in on the reaction to Conrad Black's convictions, one of Black's hard-line backers called me "Denny Lane." If the poster was referring to lead singer Denny Laine of the Moody Blues, then the attempt at an insult probably backfired. Anyway, that person's bluster was so devoid of logic that I felt quite confident this time leaving a right-winger with the last word.

Last night I was talking to an old friend who is also an avid right-winger, and like most of his ilk, said that Black was "railroaded" and didn't do anything wrong. Where we got into it was the sentence that Black will be handed down on November 30th. He said it will be 2 years or less, which had me gasping with disbelief. The obstruction charge alone carries a maximum 20 year penalty, then there are 3 fraud charges, each with a 5-year maximum. While I certainly don't think Black will get the maximum on each and receive consecutive terms, I believe it will be more than 10 years and most likely 12. Anyway, we placed a bet for 50 bucks - he says 2 years or less and I say 5 years or more. I guess if it's anywhere greater that 2 and less than 5, nobody wins.

Enough, already. I'm not going to write a single thing more about Conrad Black until sentencing day, and maybe not even then (especially if I lose the bet). I've got more pressing things to concern myself with.

First, trying to get my cat to behave.

Second, trying to get my impatiens to grow.

Is the Green-Eyed Monster Responsible for Conrad Black's Demise?

The conviction of Conrad Black on charges of fraud and obstruction of justice is the biggest news to hit Canada in quite some time. Black has been both a Canadian icon and pariah, both revered and loathed. Still, I believe that even his greatest detractors cannot help but be fascinated by him. I have always dismissed the man as a pompous blowhard. When he renounced his Canadian citizenship to become a British Lord, I just shook my head and considered him one of the most eccentric oddballs around. But then, as Kramer observed of the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld, "most geniuses are."

There have been myriad reactions to Black's convictions and most opine that the jury was conscientious and methodical and their verdicts fair. Some responses have been vigorous in defending Black, saying that he was railroaded, the prosecution was like a hunting safari obsessed with bagging a Lord, and that Black was "wrongfully convicted." The commonality in just about every one of these posters is that they share Black's ultra-right wing political ideology.

But by far the most over the top remark was this one: "It's human nature to want what other people have, and if you can't get it, then you destroy what that other person has. This is called JEALOUSY with a huge dose of ENVY."

I've never read such hogwash. Black is not the wealthiest man on the planet; there are people with far more riches to induce even more jealousy. To follow this logic, they'd all be dogged by prosecutors - Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Ted Turner. No. Black's trial followed lengthy investigations by the US Justice Department and the SEC. And just how does a person get investigated in the first place? Let's see - there are suspicions that said person did something untoward? There we go; no suspicions, no investigation. It's as simple as that.

The government produced evidence of wrongdoing, and a jury with no preconceived notions of guilt or innocence concurred with some if not all of the accusations.

With his attitude, Black literally triple-dog-dared the authorities to come after him. He's had his day in court and now Black is headed off - not to the British House of Lords - but to the Big House.

The Eerie Nature of Number 13

I never considered myself to be afflicted with triskaidekaphobia. I've stayed on the 13th floor of hotels (whenever they've had one) and I've flown in planes on Friday the 13th. I've never hesitated to buy a baker's dozen of bagels. But I'll just bet there's at least one person who may come down with the disorder - Conrad Black. The controversial Canadian business tycoon was found guilty of obstruction of justice and 3 counts of mail fraud following a four-month trial in a Chicago court.

When you look at the numbers involved in the proceedings, there's a spooky common factor. Black was charged with a total of 13 felony counts. The most serious conviction for obstruction relates to Black removing 13 boxes of documents from his Toronto office, contrary to a court order. Of 42 counts against Black and his 3 co-defendants there were 13 guilty verdicts returned. The jury's decision was returned on Friday the 13th.

The prosecution says it will ask for Black to serve between 15 and 20 years in prison. I will become a complete believer in the power of this mystical number should Black be sentenced to 13 years. Sentencing is set for November the 13th - I'm kidding - November 30, 2007.

PUMPKIN

1992 - 2007